Welcome to the Department of Home Expenses

If you are a citizen of the United Kingdom then the Department of Home Expenses is here for you. In response to the recent hullaballoo over MP's expenses it has been decided that every citizen should have the right to claim their own expenses. So please fill in the form below and your claim will be sent to the Prime Minister, Gordon ‘I'm Sorry’ Brown, the Leader of the Opposition David ‘We're not to Blame’ Cameron, and the leader of the Liberal Democrats Nick ‘Don't Ask Us’ Clegg.

First Name: Surname: Email:

Do you want your email address to be shared with the leaders when we send your claim? If you say NO then we won't share your email at all. If you say YES then the leaders of the main parties will know that this is your claim, and you never know they may even bother themselves to reply and explain why they have been abusing their position for so long. Either way, you will receive a copy of the email we will send the leader so you can see what we sent on your behalf. We will never use your email or pass it on to anybody else.

Do you want your email address to be shown?

No

Yes

To claim your expenses, just select 1 claim from each of the 6 categories below and click the preview button. You can then check your expenses before submitting them.

Entertainment

--- Please select a claim --- Taking 3 local business people to dinner (needed to butter them up for second job) £564 Tickets to see the Opera in Bath with key local contact (isn't the opera lovely, and the wife is a local contact) £45 Adult pay-per-view movies from Satellite TV £5 Monthly Broadband Bill £19.99

Subsistence

--- Please select a claim --- Hotel accommodation (1 night) in London, for 1 honest, there was nobody else there, honest £234 Meal out due to overnight stay for 1 person, yes, just me, the newspaper stories are lies I tell you! £86.45 Lunch on route to meeting with very very important contact (my dad) £320 Food for a year - (not sure what really, just want to claim the maximum allowed) £4800

Travel

--- Please select a claim --- 1st class return train fare from London to home (booked last minute, so costs a bit more, oh well) £325 Chauffeur driven limo to attend dinner (I needed to arrive in style to give the right impression) £240 1st class flight to Florida to research their prison system. Took the family with me, wonder what's there for them to do? £5112 Chauffeur car home after dinner in London (there was no other way to get home, and every single 5 star hotel was fully booked) £420 Car to take me to my other job - I did some politician work on the way (I do one day a month at 2,000 pounds per day) £320

General

--- Please select a claim --- New Printer for office (full colour - photo printer - will be able to print expense claims in colour now) £250 New PC for researcher (when I say researcher I mean my son and the pc is for Halo 3) £1645 24 hour security (for my 2nd home as I am never there) £6384 White goods for my house (just to make sure I make up the amount to the maximum allowed) £4323 Salary for my office researcher (its my son, he can't get any other job, but he is great at research) £34000

2nd Home

--- Please select a claim --- New lawnmower for my large, lovely garden - Note to self - may need a gardener to do this for me £3200 Cleaning of the moat (essential maintenance). Must get some new alligators! £2000 New mock beams for front of house (essential maintenance) £300 Mouse poison (I live in the country I can't have mice) £1.95 Annual Rent on a lovely period house I walk past daily and I have often thought of renting it £18500 New TV for 2nd home (one per year for last 3 years) £2100 Toilet seats x 4 (one for each bathroom) Glittery ones though! £390 Local Handy Man work on my summer house (so I can sit outside and have a lovely glass of wine) £720 Getting a thoroughly nice bloke to change my light bulbs - lovely man he was! £24 Changing the temperature on my boiler (the water is just too hot) £3200

Miscellaneous

--- Please select a claim --- Removal of moles from my garden (it's essential my garden has no moles, otherwise the gardener can't mow the lawn) £249.99 Plumbing services (tap was dripping all the time, drove me a bit mad) £648.09 Drive repairs (needed it doing so I don't damage the suspension on my new sports car) £973 Cleaning of office (I'm far too important to do it myself) £2837 Staying at my mates house of a weekend - saves on hotels (mate is minted though, lives in a mansion) £199 Electrical supplies (wiring, changing of plugs, turning on the telly and so on) £249.99

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